It’s that time of month!
That’s right! Bills! (What were you thinking?)
Looking at my finances always spirals into a state of anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, and crippling fear. What began as a quarterly event has became a monthly cycle, sometimes catching me off-guard leading to panic and frantic job searches to realize that I have no time to change my circumstances at the moment. If I cannot change my current financial circumstances, then how will I be able to have enough money to move across the country in the fall? I’ll be stuck in NYC forever! OHMYGEEERD PLEASE NO!
After a few minutes, I would catch myself and snap back to reality, reminding myself that God has everything under control. Or I cry myself to sleep to wake up the next day forgetting the trauma of the previous night. Worse comes to worse, I take some sort of action that I know would be fruitless. SMH.
The question I thought I was struggling with was, “Do I trust God?” Now, I ask myself, “Is God enough?” Is He enough for me to be happy wherever He calls me to? Is He enough for me whether or now I’m single or in a relationship? During a retreat a few years ago, our leader asked us, “If you lost everything in your life, would still follow Jesus?” (ahem, Job) I honestly answered, “No.” So then, what is my faith based on? Am I bad Christian because I wouldn’t follow Jesus if I lost everything? Would my answer still be the same now?
I am constantly reminded that God loves me, despite my past, despite my future, despite my accomplishments; He loves me for who I am. That has been my greatest struggle – to accept this grace that I did nothing to deserve. Will that be enough? If I believe that God is enough for me, then shouldn’t I trust that God will provide? That means I shouldn’t worry about the future or the state of my financial affairs, right?
The reality is this: I worry. I doubt. I get anxious. My faith wavers. It is during those times of weakness that God reminds me not to worry. “Remember me? I’m here, and I won’t let you fall. I’ve loved you from the moment you came to be, and I will take care of you until your last breath. Trust me.”