“The creator of the universe told you to trust Him and you’re anxious?”


It’s that time of month!

That’s right! Bills! (What were you thinking?)

Looking at my finances always spirals into a state of anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, and crippling fear. What began as a quarterly event has became a monthly cycle, sometimes catching me off-guard leading to panic and frantic job searches to realize that I have no time to change my circumstances at the moment. If I cannot change my current financial circumstances, then how will I be able to have enough money to move across the country in the fall? I’ll be stuck in NYC forever! OHMYGEEERD PLEASE NO!

After a few minutes, I would catch myself and snap back to reality, reminding myself that God has everything under control. Or I cry myself to sleep to wake up the next day forgetting the trauma of the previous night. Worse comes to worse, I take some sort of action that I know would be fruitless. SMH.

The question I thought I was struggling with was, “Do I trust God?” Now, I ask myself, “Is God enough?” Is He enough for me to be happy wherever He calls me to? Is He enough for me whether or now I’m single or in a relationship? During a retreat a few years ago, our leader asked us, “If you lost everything in your life, would still follow Jesus?” (ahem, Job) I honestly answered, “No.” So then, what is my faith based on? Am I bad Christian because I wouldn’t follow Jesus if I lost everything? Would my answer still be the same now?

I am constantly reminded that God loves me, despite my past, despite my future, despite my accomplishments; He loves me for who I am. That has been my greatest struggle – to accept this grace that I did nothing to deserve. Will that be enough? If I believe that God is enough for me, then shouldn’t I trust that God will provide? That means I shouldn’t worry about the future or the state of my financial affairs, right?

The reality is this: I worry. I doubt. I get anxious. My faith wavers. It is during those times of weakness that God reminds me not to worry. “Remember me? I’m here, and I won’t let you fall. I’ve loved you from the moment you came to be, and I will take care of you until your last breath. Trust me.”