For the past few weeks (maybe months), we have been “peeling back the onion layers,” as my professor would say, and exploring social justice issues through an anti-oppressive lens. And as I sit through classes, read articles, write papers, and work at a dead-end job, I would get so angry and want to cry. It was just so hopeless and bleak. What could I do, as a social worker, as a gate keeper? Could I even make a difference? Is this a pointless pursuit? Why can’t I just disappear off to Thailand like Will? Sometimes, I feel so burdened by this. Then, I remember that it isn’t my burden… but really, that didn’t help. I’m still here on earth, and I see the brokenness everyday. And I am helpless to heal. I’m trying to see the beauty; I’m trying to see the broken world through Jesus’ eyes, but I can’t. I find less and less beauty everyday, and I find myself more and more depressed. My heart hurts so much sometimes to see, to realize, and to experience this world, and then I close myself off because I don’t want to feel pain; I don’t want to be depressed; I don’t want to feel hopeless. Anyway, that’s been what has been happening in the last few weeks/months (probably years). Don’t worry. This ties into today’s post.
This Sunday, Greg Jao spoke about how important the book of Psalm is, so I committed myself to read the book of Psalm, one chapter a day. I also dragged Ernest with me for the ride. 😛
Verse 3 struck me the most because most of the time, I rely on myself despite knowing the fact that I need to be rooted in Christ. That no matter what I do in life, especially when it comes to social justice, I can’t do it alone. I am weak, and I have to admit it… sadly.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
I want to travel. So badly. And I know it will happen in due time, and I know it will be when I need it most. But right now, I am so tempted to join Will in Southeast Asia and just chill and forget society and the pain. I can numb myself like I’ve done before, or I can open my heart. God, this is so difficult. But I chose this path…