so many emotions i can’t name! i don’t know how to express how i feel, but i know what it feels like.
tonight, when jonathan asked us to pray for God to take down our barriers and be vulnerable, i didn’t know what barriers i had. in other words, i didn’t know what to pray for, so i asked Him for understanding. did He answer my prayer? short answer: yes. longer answer: an hour and a half later, during our praise and worship time, i watched as a group of girls begin to form a prayer circle, and this pain just took over me. i felt like i was in high school all over again – left out and unloved. as i sat there with tears streaming down my face, i began to realize that my insecurities are not only rooted in my upbringing but my past as well. it’s so intricate! how will this ever be resolved!? so i just sat there, trying hard not to cry, but when a sister prayed for me, i couldn’t stop bailing and felt like a big baby. i could hear God speaking through her, and He spoke love and redemption.
tonight was awesome, and it can go in two directions: i open and be more vulnerable OR i close myself off. i hope it’s not the latter.
..on a happier note! saturday was a free day! which meant we got to do whatever we wanted. so! a few girls and i went to the new museum block party to check it out. since we got a free ticket for the day to the new museum, we checked it out as well. i don’t understand contemporary art. at all. after cooling off (it was a HOT day!), we walked over to soho to discover a street fair! it was fun to hang out with girls outside of CCHC and be girls. (:
happy note stops here! ><
today, we attended a chinese church that had their service in both english and chinese. it definitely tested our attention spans (3 hours!). for the first time, a chinese pastor spoke about sex. in a sermon. i was so taken back. i didn’t even know there was a word for sex in chinese! fail. basically, he said that it would be more difficult to “sing a new song” to God when we have sexual baggage.
after lunch, the [english] pastor talked to us about humility and humbling ourselves to be used by God as well as being secured in Christ. he gave us an analogy using dogs. the little dogs who park at the larger dogs are the most insecure because they are small, so in order to make themselves feel more secure, they bark. a lot. that way, they can try to intimidate the larger dogs since deep down the little dogs knew they were no match for their larger counterparts. the ones who bark the loudest are the most insecure. i bark loudly, not just volume-wise but personality-wise. i try to hide the fact that i’m self-conscious about my looks, my friendships, my awkwardness, and, most of all, my relationship with Christ and His body. sometimes, i feel stupid among Christians, and i know i shouldn’t because we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but with all the big Christianese words, i don’t feel like i belong anymore. nor do i belong with my other friends since NYCUP started because i’ve been changed. we all have. we are not leaving the same as when we came because that was not God’s intention. we are to be transformed, so we can renew our campuses in order for world changers to be developed. that’s what we’re here to do.
this week’s going to be cuh-razy! social injustice topic: human trafficking. Lord, have mercy…